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SCENE ONE OFFICE
SCENE OPENS PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN LAUGHING AT PICTURE UNTIL MISS BRIGGS WALKS IN THE ROOM.
BRIGGS: SHE IS RIGHT OUTSIDE.
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: YES, GOOD. LETS HAVE A LITTLE WITH HER.
MISS CARLY, GET IN HERE. RIGHT NOW.
MISS BRIGGS SNAPS HER AND CARLY WALKS IN.
PRINCIPAL HAVE A SEAT.
WALKS OVER TO A SEAT IN FRONT OF PRINCIPAL FRANKINS DESK AND SITS IN IT.
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: SO, I YOU PUT SOME FLYERS UP ALL OVER THE SCHOOL.
YES, I DID.
MISS PUNK!
PRINCIPAL MISS BRIGGS!
BRIGGS: IM CALM.
PRINCIPAL CARLY, THIS FLYER, ITITIT, IS UMI-ITS UH
PRINCIPAL BREAKS OUT LAUGHING.
MISS BRIGGS: ITS NOT FUNNY! (TURNS TO CARLY) WHY YOU PHOTODOC MY HEAD ONTO THE BODY OF A RHINOCEROS?
WELL, I
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: RHINOCEROS? OH NO, NO, NO. YOU HER A HIPPOPOTAMUS.
CARLY: NO, NO. SHES A RHINOCEROS. A HAS FATTER THIGHS AND A WIDER SNOUT.
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: I THOUGHT THE RHINOS HAD FAT
WELL, IF YOU PICTURE THE TWO TOGETHER, YOU COULD REALLY TELL
CARLY AND PRINCIPAL START ARGUING.
MISS BRIGGS: OH, OH, OH, DOES IT REALLY MATTER? I THINK WE SHOULD CALL HER IN TO DISGUSS THIS.
CARLY: MY FATHERS STATIONED IN RIGHT NOW.
PRINCIPAL HES IN THE MILITARY.
MISS BRIGGS: WELL MUST BE SOME ADULT IN CHARGE OF HER!
CARLY: MY BROTHER, SPENCER.
MISS OH, YES. THE ARTIST.
CARLY: HES A ARTIST!
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: OKAY, I DONT THINK WE NEED TO CALL HER IN ABOUT THIS. IM SURE THAT YOU CAN COME UP WITH A SUITABLE PUNISHMENT?
MISS BRIGGS: (CHUCKLES) FINE. YOU KNOW, CARLY, I AM IN OF THE TALENT SHOW THIS YEAR.
YEAH, YOURE HOLDING THE AUDITIONS ON SATURDAY.
MISS NO. YOU ARE!
HUH?
MISS BRIGGS: I BE ENJOYING MY SATURDAY WHILE YOU TAPE THE AUDITIONS FOR ME.
MISS BRIGGS GIVES CARLY A PAPER AND TAKES IT.
CARLY: NO! IM GOING TO SEE CUDDLEFISH LIVE AT THE HAWTHORNE ON SATURDAY!
BRIGGS: NOT ANYMORE.
CARLY: AW, ON!
MISS ITS WHAT YOU GET FOR TURNING ME INTO A HIPPOPOTAMUS.
RHINOCEROS.
MISS (YELLING AND POINTING TO THE DOOR) GET OUT!
RIGHT.
CARLY HER STUFF AND LEAVES.

SCENE TWO MAIN
SCENE OPENS WITH SAM HOLDING A KID BY HIS COLLAR AND PUSHING HIM A LOCKER.
LET ME GO!
SAM: SAY SORRY!
IM SORRY.
SAM: NOW WHAT ARE YOU FOR?
KID: FOR SAYING IGGRESIVE!
SAM PUSHES KID AGAINST THE LOCKER AGAIN AND CARLY WALKS INTO HALL AND ROLLS HER EYES.
SAM: AND AM I AGAIN?
PRETTY AND SWEET.
SAM: THANK YOU. NOW THE NEXT
CARLY INTERUPTS BY PULLING HAIR OVER TO HER LOCKER.
OW! HAIR, HAIR, HAIR!
(ANGRY) HI!
SAM: DID YOU GET IN
CARLY: (STILL ANGRY) OF COURSE I GOT IN TROUBLE! TEACHERS TEND TO GET UPSET WHEN YOU PUT THEIR HEADS ON THE BODIES OF BIG FAT ANIMALS! I CANT BELIEVE I LET YOU ME INTO TAKING THE BLAME FOR YOU!
SAM: YOU HAD TO! IVE ALREADY SUSPENDED ONCE THIS SEMESTER. IF I HAD GOTTEN BUSTED, SHE WOULDVE EXPELLED ME.
CARLY: (IN A SWEET VOICE) WELL AN IDEA.
SAM:
CARLY: (ANGRY AGAIN) DOING BAD THINGS!
CARLY WALKS OVER TO HER AND SAM FOLLOWS.
HEY, CHILL-AX!
CARLY: I NOT CHILL-AX. AND GET EXCITED, BECAUSE YOU AND I GET TO SPEND OUR ENTIRE SATURDAY HERE. VIDEOTAPING KIDS AUDITIONS FOR THE TALENT SHOW.
NO WAY, GROSS.
CARLY: SORRY. ITS MY PUNISHMENT, SO NOW ITS YOUR TOO!
ALRIGHT. WHAT-EV.
CARLY: YOU KNOW, ANYBODY BUT ME PUNCH YOU RIGHT IN THE HEAD.
WHICH IS WHY YOU ARE MY BEST FRIEND!
CARLY: GOOD TO KNOW. WHY ARE YOU MINE?
CARLY WALKS INTO A AND SAM FOLLOWS, PUSHING THE SAME KID INTO A LOCKER AGAIN.
SAM: BECAUSE IM A PERSON!

SCENE THREE APARTMENT
SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY GOING TO HER APARTMENT DOOR AND PUTTING HER WATER BOTTLE AWAY BUT IT FALLS ON THE FLOOR. THEN FREDDIE COMES RUNNING OUT FROM HIS ACROSS THE HALL AND GRABS IT THEN PUTS IT IN FRONT OF CARLYS FACE.
YOU DROPPED THIS!
CARLY THE WATER BOTTLE.
UH, THANKS. BUT YOU
FREDDIE: I WAS GONNA YOU HOME FROM SCHOOL, BUT I COULDNT FIND YOU. HEY!
CARLY: FREDDIE, WERE YOU JUST LOOKING OUT YOUR PEEPHOLE WAITING FOR ME TO HOME?
(LAUGHING) NO-HO-HO!
FREDDIE.
YES.
CARLY: I THOUGHT WE TALKED THIS. WE CAN BE BUDS, BUT YOUVE GOTTA GET OVER THIS CRUSH THING.
FREDDIE: I AM OVER IT. SERIOUSLY. IM IN LOVE YOU, YOU JUST WANNA BE FRIENDS. AND IM TOTALLY COOL LIVING THAT CONSTANT PAIN.
OH GOD.
CARLY OVER TO HER DOOR AND PUTS THE KEYS IN THE KEYSLOT, BUT TURNED AROUND.
FREDDIE: OH, HEY! I YOU NEED TO BORROW A CAMCORDER, TO TAPE SOME AUDITIONS.
CARLY: YEAH, BUT ILL USE MY BROTHERS.
FREDDIE OUT HIS PHONE.
FREDDIE: WELL, IF YOU YOUR MIND, YOU KNOW MY DIGITS.
CARLY: HEY, YOU GOT A NEW PHONE.
YOU CAN HAVE IT!
CARLY HER DOOR AND RUNS INSIDE.
IM HOME.
HEY, KIDDO. UP HERE.
CARLY UP AT THE CEILING.
IM TAKING SOME PICS OF MY ROBOT SCULPTURE. SMILE!
SPENCER POINTS CAMERA AT AND TAKES A PICTURE.
CARLY: YOU KNOW, FOR MOST EIGHTH GRADE GIRLS, IF THEY CAME HOME AND FOUND THEIR TWENTY-SIX-YEAR-OLD BROTHER DANGLING UPSIDE DOWN FROM THEIR CEILING OVER A ROBOT MADE OUT OF SODA BOTTLES, ITD BE WEIRD.
SPENCER: YOURE SAYING IM
DO I NEED TO SAY IT? GET DOWN FROM THERE BEFORE YOU HURT YOURSELF!
SPENCER: NO WORRIES. IVE GOT MY LEG AROUND THIS PIPE
FALLS ON THE FLOOR AND SCREAMS.
CARLY: I CANT YOURE IN CHARGE OF ME.
PLEASE HELP ME STAND UP.
CARLY HELPS UP.
ARE YOU ALRIGHT?
SPENCER: YEP! NOPE! I DISLOCATED MY AGAIN. ONE SEC.
SPENCER FALLS ON HIS LEFT SHOULDER AND GETS UP.
YEP! THAT FIXED HER.
CARLY: GOOD. LISTEN, I A FAVOR.
SHOOT.
CARLY: I TO TAPE A BUCH OF AUDITIONS AT SCHOOL ON SATURDAY.
FUN!
CARLY: YEAH, NOT REALLY. ANYWAY, I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD BORROW VIDEOCAMERA.
SPENCER: I
AWESOME!
THOUGH, I CANT.
CARLY: WHY
SPENCER STARTS LAUGHING AND BRINGS OUT HIS CAMERA DISGUISED TO LOOK LIKE A SQUIRREL.
SPENCER: I IT INTO A SQUIRREL.

FOUR PART 1 AUDITIONS ROOM
SCENE OPENS WITH WALKING IN THE DOOR ON THE PHONE.
CARLY: I YOU THE FRONT DOORS WOULD BE LOCKEDYOU GOTTA GO TO THE BLUE DOORS IN THE BACK OF THEOH MY GOD!
CARLY IS INTERUPTED BY HER NOTICE OF FREDDIE WITH A HUGE AND ADVANCED COMPUTER AND SET UP.
MORNING, CARLY.
SEE YA IN A SEC.
HANGS UP.
FREDDIE!
FREDDIE: WHAT DO YOU OF MY EQUIPMENT?
CARLY: I JUST ASKED TO BORROW YOUR VIDEOCAMERA. WHAT IS ALL
FREDDIE: WELL, THATS A 3-SHIP HI-DEF CAMCORDER WITH A HARPER DUIDE CONDENSER MICROPHONE MOUNTED ON A CARBON-FLIED TRIPOD WITH AN OVERDRIVE FLUED-HEAD. I ALSO BROUGHT YOU AND A BAGLE!
FREDDIE BRINGS A OVER TO CARLY THAT HAS JUICE AND A BAGLE ON IT. JUST THEN, SAM WALKS IN THE DOOR.
HEY, YOU INVITED THE DOOF!
SAM!
FREDDIE TRAY ON TABLE.
FREDDIE: AW, MAN! I DIDNT THAT WAS GONNA BE HERE!
SHE, FREDDIE. IM A SHE, AS IN GIRL.
BARELY.
OOOHHH!
FREDDIE: YOU KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF MY AV EQUIPMENT.
SAM: SO YOU MEAN I TOUCH THE WHITE-BALANCE ON YOUR SUPERTY-DUPERTY CAMCORDER?
FREDDIE: OH, SURE. JOKE ABOUT THE WHITE-BALANCE TILL THE GO MAGENTA!
SAM WALKS OVER TO AND CLEARS HER THROAT.
SAM: CARLY WILL LOVE YOU
FREDDIE: OKAY. THATS IT. IM MY STUFF AND IM GOING HOME.
PICKS UP HIS CAMERA.
CARLY: (IN A VOICE) PLEASE STAY!
FREDDIE HIS CAMERA DOWN.
OKAY.
SCENE PART 2 AUDITIONS ROOM
SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY AND SAM SITTING IN SEATS AND FREDDIE HAS HIS SET UP WITH THE FIRST AUDITION ONSTAGE.
CARLY: HEY, JEB. TO AUDITION?
JEB: YEAH. I WILL BE PERFORMING A FRECH PLAY LE U E MAPHEME.
SAM:
CARLY: WE DONT KNOW THAT MEANS, BUT, KNOCK US OUT. (TURNS TO FREDDIE) ROLLING?
TURNS ON HIS CAMERA.
ROLLING.
JEB: BACK, BACK, DID SHE GO?
JEB A MUSTACHE ON.
JEB: I KNOW!
JEB HIS MUSTACHE OFF.
WHEN WILL SHE BE BACK?
JEB PUTS HIS ON.
JEB: I KNOW!
JEB TAKES HIS OFF.
JEB: WELL WHERE CAN I HER?
JEB HIS MUSTACHE ON.
JEB: I YOU, I DO NOT KNOW!
JEB TAKES HIS OFF AND SMILES, THEN CARLY AND SAM CLAP WHILE HE WALKS OFFSTAGE.
SAM: YA THINK?
I DONT KNOW!
SAM: YOU DONT
CARLY: I YOU I DO NOT KNOW!
BUT YOU MUST KNOW!
CARLY: HOW CAN I IF I DO NOT KNOW?
SAM: I KNOW.
FOUR PART 3 AUDITIONS ROOM.
SCENE OPENS WITH GIRL PLAYING VIOLIN, AND SAM IS FALLING, BUT CARLY IS ASLEEP.
FOUR PART 4 AUDITIONS ROOM
SCENE OPENS WITH ONE BOY DOING BAD BALLET, AND CARLY, SAM AND FREDDIE LIKE THEY ARE DISGUSTED.
FOUR PART 5 AUDITIONS ROOM
SCENE OPENS GIRL ONSTAGE WITH A TRUMPET IN HER HAND AND A POGO-STICK LAYING ON THE STAGE STEPS, AND CARLY AND SAM LOOK TIRED.
TARAN: I WILL BE PLAYING TRUMPET.
COOL.
NICE.
TARAN: HOPPING ON THIS POGO-STICK.
TARAN PICKS UP POGO-STICK AND CARLY AND SAM LOOK NOW. THEN TARAN STARTS HOPPING ON THE POGO-STICK AND PLAYING THE TRUMPET AT THE SAME TIME. THEN CARLY AND SAM STAND UP AND START TO CLAP.
NICE!
CARLY: NOW THATS WHAT IM ABOUT!
JUMP AND BLOW-HO!
SCENE FOUR PART 6 AUDITIONS
SCENE OPENS WITH KID STANDING ONSTAGE SAYING INTO THE MICROPHONE.
KID: THE MOM SAYS WHY DID YOU FAIL TO BRING HER IN? AND THE DOG SAYS I LIKE DA EGGS! HA, HA, HA!
AND SAM START LAUGHING WHEN KID WALKS OFFSTAGE.
THANKS!
CARLY AND SAM LAUGHING.
THATS NOT FUNNY.
NO, NO, NOT AT ALL.
SAM WALKS OVER TO THE STAGE AND CARLY UP.
SAM: WELL FORGET THAT. CAN WE PLEASE DISCUSS THE BOYS AND GLASSES? HE LOOKS LIKE MISS BRIGGS!
CARLY: (LAUGHING) YEAH. AT LEAST HE DOESNT MISS BRIGGS POINTY BOOBS!
POINTS CAMERA AT CARLY AND SAM AND SAM WALKS OVER TO CARLY.
SAM: (LAUGHING) I KNOW. WHAT IS UP WITH
CARLY: (STILL LAUGHING) ITS LIKE SHE WAFFLE CONES IN HER BRA!
SAM: (STILL LAUGHING) SHE POKE AN EYE OUT WITH ONE OF THOSE THINGS!
CARLY: OKAY. THATS ENOUGH. WEVE STILL GOT (CARLY PAPER) ELEVEN PEOPLE TO SEE.
OOH! ELEVEN?
CARLY: CALM DOWN. IT GET WORSE.
SCENE PART 5 AUDITIONS ROOM
SCENE OPENS WITH KID HORRIBLY.
AND I WAS WRONG.
SCENE FIVE CARLYS AT NIGHT
SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY AND SAM SLEEPING ON THE COUCH AND THE TELEVISION IS ON. CARLY UP.
CARLY: (SLEEPY) SAM? HEY, WAKE UP!
CARLY PUTS HER FOOT ON SAMS FACE AND SHE WAKES UP. SAM UP AND YAWNS.
SAM: TIME IS IT?
CARLY: LATE. WHENS YOURE MOM TO PICK YOU UP?
SHES NOT. I TOLD HER YOU INVITED ME TO SPEND THE NIGHT.
CARLY: I DIDNT INVITE YOU TO THE NIGHT!
SAM: WELL YOU CUZ IM NOT LEAVING.
CARLY WALKS TO THE COMPUTER AND STARTS TYPING.
SAM: WHATCHA
CARLY: IM CHECKING TO SEE IF FREDDIE PUT THE AUDIOTIONS ONLINE. HE HED UPLOAD THEM IN THE MORNING SO MISS BRIGGS COULD WATCH THEM ONLINE.
SAM: I HATE MISS BRIGGS. REMEMBER SHE CALLED ME A DEMON?
(YELLING) NO!
SAM: OH, YES. SOMEONE PUT THAT RAW CHICKEN IN HER
SHUT UP AND COME LOOK AT THIS!
SAM WALKS OVER TO AT THE COMPUTER.
SAM: FREDDIE DIDNT UPLOAD THE AUDIOTIONS?
NO. HE UPLOADED US!
SAM:
LOOK!
SAM WATCHES A VIDEO ON THE COMPUTER THAT SHOWS THEM FUN OF MISS BRIGGS CRAZY POINTY BOOBS.
SAM: US!
CARLY: IS!
SAM: FREDDIE WASNT SUPPOSED TO FILM US! WE WERE BEING ALL GOOFY AND LIKE IDIOTS ALL DAY!
CARLY SCARED.
OH MY GOD! WE MADE FUN OF MISS BRIGGS AND HER CRAZY POINTY BOOBS!
SAM: WHOA! IF SHE SEES
CARLY: CAN SEE IT! ITS ON SLPASHFACE.
OKAY, CHILL-AX.
SAM AT THE COMPUTER.
SAM: SEE THE VIEWCOUNT? ONLY 27 PEOPLE HAVE ON IT.
OH. OKAY, GOOD.
CARLY AT THE COMPUTER.
SAM?
SAM:
(YELLING) THATS 27,000!
SAM OUT OF CHAIR.