SCENE ONE OFFICE SCENE OPENS WITH PRINCIPAL LAUGHING AT PICTURE UNTIL MISS BRIGGS WALKS IN THE ROOM. MISS SHE IS RIGHT OUTSIDE. PRINCIPAL YES, GOOD. LETS HAVE A LITTLE TALK WITH HER. MISS CARLY, GET IN HERE. RIGHT NOW. MISS BRIGGS SNAPS HER FINGER AND WALKS IN. FRANKLIN: HAVE A SEAT. CARLY OVER TO A SEAT IN FRONT OF PRINCIPAL FRANKINS DESK AND SITS IN IT. PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: SO, I UNDERSTAND YOU PUT SOME UP ALL OVER THE SCHOOL. YES, I DID. MISS PUNK! FRANKLIN: MISS BRIGGS! MISS IM CALM. FRANKLIN: CARLY, THIS FLYER, ITITIT, IS UMI-ITS UH PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN OUT LAUGHING. MISS BRIGGS: ITS NOT FUNNY! (TURNS TO CARLY) WHY WOULD YOU MY HEAD ONTO THE BODY OF A RHINOCEROS? WELL, I PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: OH NO, NO, NO. YOU MADE HER A HIPPOPOTAMUS. CARLY: NO, NO. SHES A RHINOCEROS. A HAS FATTER THIGHS AND A WIDER SNOUT. PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: I THOUGHT THE RHINOS HAD FAT CARLY: WELL, IF YOU PICTURE THE TWO TOGETHER, YOU COULD REALLY AND PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN START ARGUING. MISS OH, OH, OH, DOES IT REALLY MATTER? I THINK WE SHOULD CALL HER FATHER IN TO DISGUSS THIS. CARLY: MY FATHERS IN EUROPE RIGHT NOW. PRINCIPAL HES IN THE MILITARY. MISS BRIGGS: WELL THERE MUST BE SOME ADULT IN OF HER! MY OLDER BROTHER, SPENCER. MISS OH, YES. THE ARTIST. HES A GREAT ARTIST! PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: OKAY, I THINK WE NEED TO CALL HER BROTHER IN ABOUT THIS. IM SURE THAT YOU CAN COME UP WITH A SUITABLE PUNISHMENT? MISS BRIGGS: (CHUCKLES) FINE. YOU KNOW, CARLY, I AM IN OF THE TALENT SHOW THIS YEAR. CARLY: YEAH, HOLDING THE AUDITIONS ON SATURDAY. BRIGGS: NO. YOU ARE! CARLY: MISS BRIGGS: I WILL BE ENJOYING MY WHILE YOU TAPE THE AUDITIONS FOR ME. MISS BRIGGS GIVES CARLY A AND CARLY TAKES IT. CARLY: NO! IM TO SEE CUDDLEFISH PLAY LIVE AT THE HAWTHORNE ON SATURDAY! MISS NOT ANYMORE. CARLY: AW, ON! BRIGGS: ITS WHAT YOU GET FOR TURNING ME INTO A HIPPOPOTAMUS. RHINOCEROS. MISS (YELLING AND POINTING TO THE DOOR) GET OUT! RIGHT. CARLY HER STUFF AND LEAVES.
SCENE TWO HALLWAY SCENE OPENS WITH SAM HOLDING A KID BY HIS COLLAR AND HIM AGAINST A LOCKER. LET ME GO! SAM: SAY SORRY! IM SORRY. SAM: NOW WHAT ARE YOU FOR? KID: FOR SAYING IGGRESIVE! SAM PUSHES KID AGAINST THE LOCKER AGAIN AND CARLY INTO SAME HALL AND ROLLS HER EYES. SAM: AND AM I AGAIN? KID: AND SWEET. SAM: THANK YOU. NOW THE NEXT CARLY INTERUPTS BY SAMS HAIR OVER TO HER LOCKER. OW! HAIR, HAIR, HAIR! (ANGRY) HI! SAM: DID YOU GET IN CARLY: (STILL ANGRY) OF I GOT IN TROUBLE! TEACHERS TEND TO GET UPSET WHEN YOU PUT THEIR HEADS ON THE BODIES OF BIG FAT ANIMALS! I CANT BELIEVE I LET YOU TALK ME INTO TAKING THE BLAME FOR YOU! SAM: YOU HAD TO! IVE ALREADY BEEN SUSPENDED ONCE THIS SEMESTER. IF I HAD BUSTED, SHE WOULDVE EXPELLED ME. CARLY: (IN A SWEET VOICE) WELL AN IDEA. WHAT? CARLY: (ANGRY AGAIN) STOP BAD THINGS! CARLY OVER TO HER LOCKER AND SAM FOLLOWS. HEY, CHILL-AX! CARLY: I WILL NOT CHILL-AX. AND GET EXCITED, BECAUSE YOU AND I GET TO SPEND OUR ENTIRE SATURDAY HERE. KIDS AUDITIONS FOR THE TALENT SHOW. NO WAY, GROSS. CARLY: SORRY. ITS MY PUNISHMENT, SO NOW ITS YOUR TOO! ALRIGHT. WHAT-EV. CARLY: YOU KNOW, ANYBODY BUT ME WOULD PUNCH YOU IN THE HEAD. WHICH IS WHY YOU ARE MY BEST FRIEND! CARLY: TO KNOW. KNOW WHY ARE YOU MINE? WALKS INTO A CLASSROOM AND SAM FOLLOWS, PUSHING THE SAME KID INTO A LOCKER AGAIN. SAM: IM A LOVEABLE PERSON!
SCENE CARLYS APARTMENT SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY TO HER APARTMENT DOOR AND PUTTING HER WATER BOTTLE AWAY BUT IT FALLS ON THE FLOOR. THEN FREDDIE COMES RUNNING OUT FROM HIS APARTMENT ACROSS THE HALL AND GRABS IT THEN PUTS IT IN FRONT OF CARLYS FACE. YOU DROPPED THIS! CARLY THE WATER BOTTLE. UH, THANKS. BUT YOU FREDDIE: I WAS GONNA WALK YOU HOME FROM SCHOOL, BUT I FIND YOU. HEY! FREDDIE, WERE YOU JUST LOOKING OUT YOUR PEEPHOLE WAITING FOR ME TO COME HOME? (LAUGHING) NO-HO-HO! FREDDIE. YES. CARLY: I THOUGHT WE TALKED ABOUT THIS. WE CAN BE BUDS, BUT YOUVE GOTTA GET OVER CRUSH THING. FREDDIE: I AM OVER IT. SERIOUSLY. IM IN LOVE YOU, YOU JUST WANNA BE FRIENDS. AND IM TOTALLY LIVING WITH THAT CONSTANT PAIN. OH GOD. CARLY OVER TO HER DOOR AND PUTS THE KEYS IN THE KEYSLOT, BUT TURNED AROUND. FREDDIE: OH, HEY! I YOU NEED TO BORROW A CAMCORDER, TO TAPE SOME AUDITIONS. CARLY: YEAH, BUT ILL USE MY BROTHERS. FREDDIE OUT HIS PHONE. FREDDIE: WELL, IF YOU YOUR MIND, YOU KNOW MY DIGITS. HEY, YOU GOT A NEW CELL PHONE. FREDDIE: YOU CAN IT! CARLY OPENS HER AND RUNS INSIDE. IM HOME. HEY, KIDDO. UP HERE. CARLY UP AT THE CEILING. IM TAKING SOME PICS OF MY ROBOT SCULPTURE. SMILE! SPENCER POINTS CAMERA AT AND TAKES A PICTURE. CARLY: YOU KNOW, FOR MOST EIGHTH GRADE GIRLS, IF THEY HOME AND FOUND THEIR TWENTY-SIX-YEAR-OLD BROTHER DANGLING UPSIDE DOWN FROM THEIR CEILING OVER A GIANT ROBOT MADE OUT OF SODA BOTTLES, ITD BE WEIRD. SPENCER: YOURE SAYING IM DO I NEED TO SAY IT? GET DOWN FROM THERE BEFORE YOU HURT YOURSELF! SPENCER: NO WORRIES. IVE GOT MY LEG WRAPPED THIS PIPE SPENCER FALLS ON THE AND SCREAMS. CARLY: I CANT YOURE IN CHARGE OF ME. SPENCER: HELP ME STAND UP. CARLY HELPS UP. CARLY: ARE YOU SPENCER: YEP! NOPE! I MY SHOULDER AGAIN. ONE SEC. SPENCER ON HIS LEFT SHOULDER AND GETS BACK UP. SPENCER: YEP! THAT HER. GOOD. LISTEN, I NEED A FAVOR. SHOOT. CARLY: I HAVE TO A BUCH OF AUDITIONS AT SCHOOL ON SATURDAY. FUN! CARLY: YEAH, NOT REALLY. ANYWAY, I WAS WONDERING IF I BORROW YOUR VIDEOCAMERA. I WOULD AWESOME! THOUGH, I CANT. CARLY: WHY SPENCER STARTS LAUGHING AND BRINGS OUT HIS THATS DISGUISED TO LOOK LIKE A SQUIRREL. SPENCER: I MADE IT A SQUIRREL.
FOUR PART 1 AUDITIONS ROOM SCENE WITH CARLY WALKING IN THE DOOR ON THE PHONE. CARLY: I TOLD YOU THE FRONT DOORS WOULD BE LOCKEDYOU GOTTA GO TO THE BLUE DOORS IN THE BACK OF MY GOD! CARLY IS INTERUPTED BY HER NOTICE OF FREDDIE WITH A HUGE AND ADVANCED COMPUTER AND SET UP. MORNING, CARLY. SEE YA IN A SEC. CARLY UP. FREDDIE! FREDDIE: WHAT DO YOU OF MY EQUIPMENT? CARLY: I JUST ASKED TO BORROW YOUR VIDEOCAMERA. WHAT IS ALL FREDDIE: WELL, THATS A 3-SHIP HI-DEF CAMCORDER WITH A HARPER DUIDE CONDENSER MICROPHONE MOUNTED ON A CARBON-FLIED TRIPOD WITH AN OVERDRIVE FLUED-HEAD. I ALSO YOU JUICE AND A BAGLE! FREDDIE BRINGS A TRAY OVER TO CARLY THAT HAS JUICE AND A BAGLE ON IT. JUST THEN, SAM IN THE DOOR. SAM: HEY, YOU THE DOOF! SAM! FREDDIE PUTS ON TABLE. FREDDIE: AW, MAN! I DIDNT KNOW THAT WAS BE HERE! SHE, FREDDIE. IM A SHE, AS IN GIRL. BARELY. OOOHHH! FREDDIE: YOU KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF MY AV EQUIPMENT. SO YOU MEAN I CANT TOUCH THE WHITE-BALANCE ON YOUR SUPERTY-DUPERTY CAMCORDER? FREDDIE: OH, SURE. JOKE THE WHITE-BALANCE TILL THE SKINTONES GO MAGENTA! SAM OVER TO FREDDIE AND CLEARS HER THROAT. SAM: WILL NEVER LOVE YOU FREDDIE: OKAY. IT. IM TAKING MY STUFF AND IM GOING HOME. FREDDIE UP HIS CAMERA. CARLY: (IN A SWEET VOICE) STAY! FREDDIE PUTS HIS DOWN. OKAY. SCENE FOUR PART 2 AUDITIONS SCENE WITH CARLY AND SAM SITTING IN SEATS AND FREDDIE HAS HIS CAMERA SET UP WITH THE FIRST AUDITION ONSTAGE. CARLY: HEY, JEB. TO AUDITION? JEB: YEAH. I BE PERFORMING A FRECH PLAY CALLED LE U E MAPHEME. SAM: WE DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, BUT, KNOCK US OUT. (TURNS TO FREDDIE) ROLLING? FREDDIE ON HIS CAMERA. ROLLING. JEB: BACK, BACK, DID SHE GO? JEB A MUSTACHE ON. I DONT KNOW! JEB TAKES HIS OFF. WHEN WILL SHE BE BACK? JEB PUTS HIS ON. JEB: I KNOW! JEB HIS MUSTACHE OFF. JEB: WELL WHERE CAN I FIND JEB HIS MUSTACHE ON. I TELL YOU, I DO NOT KNOW! JEB TAKES HIS OFF AND SMILES, THEN CARLY AND SAM CLAP WHILE HE WALKS OFFSTAGE. SAM: YA THINK? CARLY: I KNOW! YOU DONT KNOW? CARLY: I YOU I DO NOT KNOW! BUT YOU MUST KNOW! CARLY: HOW CAN I IF I DO NOT KNOW? SAM: I KNOW. SCENE FOUR 3 AUDITIONS ROOM. SCENE WITH GIRL ONSTAGE PLAYING VIOLIN, AND SAM IS FALLING, BUT CARLY IS ASLEEP. FOUR PART 4 AUDITIONS ROOM SCENE OPENS WITH ONE BOY DOING BAD BALLET, AND CARLY, SAM AND FREDDIE LOOK THEY ARE DISGUSTED. SCENE FOUR 5 AUDITIONS ROOM OPENS WITH GIRL ONSTAGE WITH A TRUMPET IN HER HAND AND A POGO-STICK LAYING ON THE STAGE STEPS, AND CARLY AND SAM LOOK TIRED. TARAN: I WILL BE THIS TRUMPET. COOL. NICE. TARAN: WHILE HOPPING ON POGO-STICK. TARAN PICKS UP POGO-STICK AND CARLY AND SAM LOOK INTERESTED NOW. THEN TARAN STARTS HOPPING ON THE POGO-STICK AND PLAYING THE TRUMPET AT THE SAME TIME. THEN CARLY AND SAM STAND UP AND TO CLAP. NICE! CARLY: NOW WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT! JUMP AND BLOW-HO! SCENE FOUR PART 6 AUDITIONS OPENS WITH KID STANDING ONSTAGE SAYING SOMETHING INTO THE MICROPHONE. KID: THE MOM WHY DID YOU FAIL TO BRING HER IN? AND THEN THE DOG SAYS I LIKE DA EGGS! HA, HA, HA! CARLY AND SAM START LAUGHING WHEN KID OFFSTAGE. THANKS! CARLY AND SAM LAUGHING. SAM: NOT FUNNY. NO, NO, NOT AT ALL. SAM WALKS OVER TO THE STAGE AND CARLY UP. SAM: WELL FORGET THAT. CAN WE PLEASE DISCUSS THE BOYS HAIR AND GLASSES? HE LOOKS LIKE BRIGGS! CARLY: (LAUGHING) YEAH. AT LEAST HE MISS BRIGGS CRAZY POINTY BOOBS! FREDDIE POINTS CAMERA AT CARLY AND SAM AND SAM OVER TO CARLY. SAM: (LAUGHING) I KNOW. WHAT IS UP WITH CARLY: (STILL LAUGHING) ITS SHE STUFFS WAFFLE CONES IN HER BRA! SAM: (STILL LAUGHING) SHE COULD POKE AN EYE OUT WITH ONE OF THINGS! CARLY: OKAY. THATS ENOUGH. WEVE GOT (CARLY CHECKS PAPER) ELEVEN PEOPLE TO SEE. OOH! ELEVEN? CARLY: DOWN. IT CANT GET WORSE. SCENE PART 5 AUDITIONS ROOM SCENE OPENS WITH KID HORRIBLY. AND I WAS WRONG. SCENE FIVE CARLYS AT NIGHT SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY AND SAM SLEEPING ON THE AND THE TELEVISION IS ON. CARLY WAKES UP. CARLY: (SLEEPY) SAM? HEY, SAM? UP! CARLY PUTS HER FOOT ON SAMS FACE AND SHE WAKES UP. SAM UP AND YAWNS. SAM: WHAT IS IT? LATE. WHENS YOURE MOM COMING TO PICK YOU UP? SAM: NOT. I TOLD HER YOU INVITED ME TO SPEND THE NIGHT. CARLY: I INVITE YOU TO SPEND THE NIGHT! WELL YOU SHOULD CUZ IM NOT LEAVING. CARLY WALKS OVER TO THE COMPUTER AND TYPING. WHATCHA DOIN? CARLY: IM CHECKING TO SEE IF FREDDIE PUT THE AUDIOTIONS ONLINE. HE SAID HED UPLOAD IN THE MORNING SO MISS BRIGGS COULD WATCH THEM ONLINE. SAM: I HATE MISS BRIGGS. REMEMBER WHEN SHE ME A DEMON? (YELLING) NO! SAM: OH, YES. SOMEONE PUT RAW CHICKEN IN HER PURSE CARLY: SHUT UP AND COME AT THIS! SAM OVER TO CARLY AT THE COMPUTER. SAM: WHAT? FREDDIE UPLOAD THE AUDIOTIONS? NO. HE UPLOADED US! SAM: LOOK! SAM WATCHES A VIDEO ON THE COMPUTER THAT SHOWS THEM MAKING FUN OF MISS BRIGGS CRAZY BOOBS. SAM: US! SURE IS! SAM: WASNT SUPPOSED TO FILM US! WE WERE BEING ALL GOOFY AND ACTING LIKE IDIOTS ALL DAY! LOOKS SCARED. CARLY: OH MY GOD! WE MADE FUN OF MISS BRIGGS AND HER CRAZY BOOBS! SAM: WHOA! IF SHE THAT ANYONE CAN SEE IT! ITS ON SLPASHFACE. OKAY, CHILL-AX. SAM AT THE COMPUTER. SAM: SEE THE VIEWCOUNT? ONLY 27 HAVE CLICKED ON IT. OH. OKAY, GOOD. CARLY AT THE COMPUTER. SAM? SAM: CARLY: (YELLING) 27,000! SAM OUT OF CHAIR.